No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
