at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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