is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
