Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
