put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Two words: blizzard sex
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
