K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
