But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
