I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
