too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I love having hate sex.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
