two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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