I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
