Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
