Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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