Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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