She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
