Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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