when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
