meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
