thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
