Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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