The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
