I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
