eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
