you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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