The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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