I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
