Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
