Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
