I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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