some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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