did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Randomize
