i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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