If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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