So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
