Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
