....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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