The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's official drugs can't kill me
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
