Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
