I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
