last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
