what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Operation Purity has been aborted
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Randomize
