I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
