That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
how drunk are you?
Several
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
