I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
