Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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