Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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