My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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