I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
