so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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