Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
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