Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
