2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
