i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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